Stress as a guest in our home

How do you feel when you have a guest coming over? If you are like me, I get a bit stressy over it.

While I can usually relax and melt into the couch at home, knowing I am expecting a guest catapults me right out of this fully relaxed mode.

My brain's alarm system goes off at the thought of, 'Someone is coming to your home!' 

A plethora of other concerns and considerations quickly spring to mind: 

Are there enough drinks in the fridge?

What food can I offer?

Is the air-con working?

Is the home clean and tidy enough?

Should I replace that broken armchair?

If hosting someone is not stressful for you, try thinking of a situation that is stressful for you personally. Notice how it activates other internal mechanisms and sensations within you. 

How does your brain react when you encounter stress? What are the effects of stress on your mind and body? How do you respond to stress, when it knocks on your door?

Ideally, stress is a guest that comes and goes, rather than lives with us. 

While hosting can be stressful, having a guest over isn't always bad.

In fact, there could be some good.

Benefits of stress

Expecting a guest gave me a motivation boost to address pre-existing issues in the home. I became focused on completing tasks that restored the functionality of the home (a fully working toilet!) and improved the space. The chores I had been procrastinating? I experienced a burst of energy to complete them like never before.

And now, the home is the cleanest, tidiest, and most functional it has been in a while.

The fridge is well-stocked.

We may even get to enjoy some time connecting with our guest.

When our guest takes their leave, we might feel slightly worn from all the preparation and efforts to keep them comfortable and entertained. At the same time, we may also heave a sigh of relief with a smile, and say, 'That was actually pretty nice. I’m glad I did it.’

When we think about stress, we recognise that while it is not the most comfortable feeling to experience, stress has an effect on us that is not all bad. No wonder this feeling of stress has been carried over from evolution!

Stress:

-       Energises us

-       Heightens our alertness and focus

-       Prepares our body to take action

-       Improves performance 

-       Helps us overcome challenges

Overstaying guests

Stress can become more of a problem if it becomes a guest who overstays their welcome. Chronic stress has been found to impact our physical and mental health. Prolonged and intense stress compromises our immunity, making us more susceptible to falling ill. Chronic stress has also been found to increase the chances of developing anxiety or depression. A person struggling to cope with stress may become vulnerable to addiction or engage in outlets that may further impact their physical and mental health.

When this happens, we may think, ‘I should never let this guest in!’ However, this may not be realistic as there are bound to be areas outside of our control that generate stress in our lives. While we may choose to suppress our stress or not deal with it, our bodies are built to naturally experience a stress response when we encounter a difficult situation or perceived threat.

When we refuse to acknowledge stress at our door, stress usually finds a way to get to us.

Stress may disappear for a brief moment from the suppression, then turn up and try knocking again to ask to come in. They might find a way to climb in through our window, startling us and affecting our lives in ways we did not expect.

When we try to distract ourselves from stress, the underlying stress can manifest in other ways. We may continue having thoughts about the stressor. We experience sleep difficulties. We stop eating well. We become irritable over other matters that did not use to bother us as much. On the outside, we may look like we are functioning, but underneath the surface, we are tired, malnourished, and unsettled.

Instead of ignoring stress, we can welcome this feeling into our lives and acknowledge it directly, knowing it is here for a reason. We can exercise boundaries with our stress, allowing the guest to stay with us where it is optimal, and employ strategies to facilitate its departure.

Managing stress

Just as we can say, ‘Thanks for coming over’, ‘It was nice having you!’, ‘Time flies! It’s getting late, I have something I need to do,’ as methods to signal to our guest that it is time to close the visit, we can draw on strategies of our own to see stress to the door.

As each person experiences stress differently, and given the different types of situations that could make a person feel stressed, each resource box for hosting stress and saying goodbye to it may look different.

Some possible tools in your resource box may include:

- Being curious to see what the stress is here for, and where it is beneficial

‘Hmm, stress seems to be telling me to care about something important. This helps me attend to this particular area and muster the focus I need for the moment’

- Reflecting on the context behind this stress

'While this project feels overwhelming right now, I have a degree of control over the situation. I can plan my next steps and ask for guidance from relevant persons to help me stay on track'  or 

'My stress stems from an area outside my control and there are unknowns on this journey ahead. I may need to engage with a different coping style than how I would deal with stress from a project, and look after myself in a different way'

- Identifying how you experience stress, and your personal boundary between healthy to unhealthy levels of stress

‘What are signs that I am feeling stressed? What are signs that my stress is becoming overwhelming or chronic?’

- Clarifying elements, activities and behaviours that support you with managing stress

‘I realise my body has been feeling really tense, it has been working hard to deal with stress. Perhaps I can drop my shoulders, do some stretching, and give my body some tender loving care.’

‘I can’t change the situation, but I can sit with the feeling and breathe through it. Usually just 5 minutes of a deep breathing exercise can help me reset.’

‘Knowing what I need helps. I know I can reach out to someone who provides support in a practical way if I need it. I also know someone I can speak to who can offer emotional support.’

‘Maybe I could write about it? It makes it clearer to see what I am dealing with and I can work out my next steps from there.’

‘It has been overstimulating with stress being right in front of me. I think I need some alone time where I can feel at peace and at ease to recalibrate before coming back to this.’

The above are just a few ideas. We recommend adding tools to your resource box that align with what brings you calm, what helps you respond adaptively to a stressful situation, or has been found effective in regulating your stress before. 

Some tools may be tangible, some may come in the form of ideas or reflection points. Keep your resource box accessible (it could be a physical box of items, or a written list of reflections and ideas) so your tools for stress management are there when you need them, and you do not feel stuck thinking about what could help.

When we develop our resource box and are equipped with what helps us see our stress out, having this guest over from time to time feels more manageable. We recognise that we do not have to avoid the guest or shut down any opportunity of having a guest over. Stress becomes a guest we are capable of hosting, and walking to the door. 

References

Carr, D., & Umberson, D. (2013). The social psychology of stress, health, and coping. In J. DeLamater & A. Ward (Eds.), Handbook of social psychology (2nd ed., pp. 465–487). Springer. https://sites.bu.edu/deborahcarr/files/2020/09/Carr-Umberson_HSP-2013.pdf

Selhub, E. (2019). The stress management handbook. Skyhorse Publishing. https://crpf.gov.in/writereaddata/images/pdf/The_Stress_Management.pdf