Befriending Our Thoughts
A recent study showed that we have on an average 6,200 thoughts per day (Tseng, Poppenk, 2020). That is on average more than 250 thoughts per hour!
No wonder we often feel overwhelmed by them. It is uncommon to hear people say “I can’t sit with my thoughts/ I can’t bear my thoughts”, and many of us resort to finding never-ending occupations/ activities to distract ourselves from our thoughts.
While the above strategy is understandable, it might be worth considering to approach and view our thoughts differently. Let’s take a look at some common misconceptions about our thoughts:
Thoughts = truth?
The answer is no or not always. Remember, “Just because we think it, does not mean that it is true”. We can always take a step back to examine how accurate or realistic our thoughts are before we let them affect our emotions and actions deeply. The way we think is often influenced by many factors including past experiences, people’s opinions/ comments, isolated incidents, societal norms, yet it’s not always factual/ objective.
Thoughts = actions?
Sometimes we have thoughts that scare us. Obsessive and intrusive thoughts can be unsettling and limit the way we live. These thoughts may center on the fear of engaging in actions considered to be harmful, violent, immoral, inappropriate and as a result, lead to anxiety.
While these are understandably distressing, we need to recognize that “Just because we think it, does not mean that we will do it/ it will happen”.
There are steps that can be taken to mindfully defuse the connection between thoughts and action to allow us to process our thoughts in a healthier/ adaptable manner.
Thoughts = permanent?
While we might be used to a certain way of thinking, it does not mean that it cannot be challenged/ modified/ re-structured. There are different unhelpful thinking styles that we can try to spot in the way we think. Some examples:
Black & white/ all or nothing thinking (e.f. the use of words such as “always, never, impossible, etc”) keeps us from seeing that life situations/ people are complex, uncertain, and always evolving. This can be modified by thinking in the different shades of grey and using words such as “sometimes, maybe, it’s possible”, etc)
Overgeneralization → does not allow us to view and respond to situations/ challenges as isolated events (e.g. from “I am a failure” → to “That was a failed attempt, and I can learn from it”)
For more unhelpful thinking styles, please refer to: https://www.healthywa.wa.gov.au/Articles/U_Z/Unhelpful-thinking-styles
To summarize, some useful quick questions that we can always use to process our thoughts are:
How accurate is this?
How realistic is this?
How helpful is this?
Is there another way of looking at the situation?
What would I tell a friend in the same situation?
Would it matter 5 years from now?
The practice of mindfulness can be very useful in helping us observe, co-exist with, and eventually befriend our thoughts.
Processing and reframing our thoughts can be time-consuming, tiring, and challenging at first. Hence it is helpful to allow ourselves some break and distance before responding to any situation/ person. Just like any other skill in life, practice is necessary to make progress, hence do remember to extend some patience and gentleness to ourselves in the process.
Reference:
Tseng, J., Poppenk, J. Brain meta-state transitions demarcate thoughts across task contexts exposing the mental noise of trait neuroticism. Nat Commun 11, 3480 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-020-17255-9
