Understanding suicidality from different perspectives
When someone says they don’t see a reason to stay, we need to listen to what has made staying feel so hard.
Suicide is complex and cannot be explained by one cause. Thoughts about suicide can emerge when emotional pain, hopelessness, disconnection or life circumstances become overwhelming. Having suicidal thoughts does not mean that someone is weak, attention-seeking or selfish. A person can experience intense suicidal thoughts while having other parts of themselves that want connection, meaning, relief or life. Understanding suicide requires us to look beyond the behaviour and ask what the suicidal thoughts may be communicating.
Suicide thoughts can feel like:
Overwhelming emotional pain - “I can’t do this anymore”
Hopelessness - “Nothing is going to change”
Feeling like a burden - “Everyone would be better off without me”
Disconnection and isolation - “Nobody understands me”
Real-world suffering - “The world feels unbearable”
When someone has been hurting for a long time, these thoughts can start to feel like facts. And at that moment it may be very hard to believe otherwise.
Exploring different understanding of suicide through different psychological perspectives allows us to understand and explain why individuals with suicidal thoughts may develop such thoughts.
A part of me wants the pain to stop.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) explains the mind as containing different “parts”. Suicidal thoughts can potentially be understood from a part that is overwhelmed and trying to protect the person from unbearable pain. The emphasis is on the suicidal part not being the whole and entirety of the person, other parts may still want connection, relationships, meaning or even life. The goal isn’t to fight the suicidal part but to approach it with curiosity and wonder where the pain is coming from and listen to the needs the mind is expressing. By bringing compassion to suicidal parts, many people discover that what these parts truly want is relief, rest, or freedom from shame. Therapy then focuses on meeting those needs in ways that do not involve self-harm. This reframing reduces shame, fosters inner harmony, and creates space for hope.
I feel isolated and a burden to others.
“I don’t belong” and “I’m a burden” stems from thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness respectively. The Interpersonal theory of suicide offers an explanation that suicidal desire develops when these two thoughts occurs simultaneously. Thwarted belongingness refers to the painful experience of feeling disconnected from others - as though you do not truly belong or aren’t understood. Perceived burdensomeness describes the belief that one’s presence makes life more difficult for others. It is important to recognise that these thoughts reflect how someone may be experiencing their relationships and remind them that feeling like a burden does not mean that they truly are one.
The theory also highlights the importance of social connection. Creating opportunities for meaningful connections may help restore their sense of belonging after being isolated or disconnected for a prolonged period of time. Sometimes, support does not require finding perfect words or solving the person’s problems but helping them feel that they do not need to carry their pain alone.
I am not good enough.
From a psychodynamic perspective, suicidal thoughts can be understood in relation to a person’s underlying vulnerabilities in processing and regulating difficult emotions. When painful emotions become overwhelming and feel impossible to process, individuals may experience psychological pain that feels unbearable and death may begin to feel like an escape from the pain rather than an actual desire to stop living. There is a harsh and critical inner voice that constantly points out perceived flaws, mistakes or shortcomings. It may tell the person that they are inadequate and unworthy. Over time, these criticisms can become deeply internalized and the individual may associate them with their identity. They also have a powerless part of the self that is unable to defend itself against these painful beliefs and accept the harsh judgements.
Suicidal thinking can be understood as an expression of profound emotional suffering rather than a reflection of who the person is. Beneath the wish to escape may be someone who is exhausted, hurting and struggling to find another way to make the pain feel bearable. Recognising this can help us respond with compassion - by helping them feel understood, supported and less alone in carrying what has become so difficult to bear.
Staying with someone in the dark
Suicidal thoughts are an experience, not an identity. Understanding the pain underneath the thoughts helps us respond with compassion rather than judgement. We aim to look beyond the behaviour itself and recognise the pain, vulnerability and unmet needs beneath it. Sometimes, what a person needs most is not to have their feelings dismissed or immediately solved but to feel heard and understood. We can provide that support with active listening, suicide communication, empathic responses, help-seeking and suicide prevention interventions. Reaching out can create space for that pain to be shared and carried with someone else, rather than faced alone.
References
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3130348/#R177
https://mindfulcenter.org/internal-family-systems-ifs-and-the-parts-of-us-that-want-to-give-up/
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/09540261.2024.2351937
