Gentle Beginnings
We hope your January has been filled with a renewed sense of energy, purpose, and hope. The idea of a ‘fresh start’ can seem inspiring, at the same time, as psychologists, it is not uncommon to hear of reflections being tinged with self-criticism, shame or worry in thinking about the past when approaching a new beginning.
This may be a time of ‘renewal’ for some who are implementing some changes to set the tone of the year. If your new year resolutions have been energising for you, and you feel motivated and equipped to achieve the goals you set, great! This is a sign that your resolutions are in alignment with your beliefs, values, and capacity.
If however, you notice it is becoming harder to keep up with your resolutions, and while you would still like change to happen, it seems so far from reach… know that you are not alone. To struggle with making changes is human, and a difficulty that most of us have encountered at some point.
I know something has to change, but why is it so hard to make changes?
Depending on life experiences, people who have experienced trauma or challenging circumstances may relate to resolutions or change differently. The idea of change can feel unsafe and daunting for them, rather than exciting. For some, not being able to meet or keep up with newly set goals can reopen wounds of not being ‘good enough’ and rekindle a feeling of shame, embarrassment or failure.
This does not mean that we should give up on the change that we yearn for. If you are in a place where you can and would like to address this internal barrier in you, take this as a moment for self-reflection. Re-centre your reflections to consider your journey of life so far, and who you have grown to be as a person. If you were not pulled by any societal or cultural expectations, or expectations from others,
What is the meaning of growth to you individually?
What makes a good life to you?
Your answers to these questions may offer a direction that is filled with personal meaning, which is an important driver for motivation and commitment.
Adding to this, you can ask,
‘What would help me feel more supported on this journey of growth?’
Everyone grows differently, and we all need a little help along the way. Due to our different backgrounds, contexts, experiences, perspectives, and what we value to be necessary and important etc., we may require different types of support on our journey. When we pause to gain clarity on what we need, we can better secure the care needed from within or from external sources, and the next steps will flow with greater ease, comfort, and self-empowerment.
Trying Compassion On For Size
If you have been beating yourself up for not meeting your goals, we recommend adopting a more compassionate tone when speaking to yourself. Perhaps contrary to popular belief, self-compassion is not going soft and ‘letting yourself off the hook’. Ever met someone who is definitely not a pushover, yet… you also see that they honour and speak their truth, and can be a fierce protector of others and themselves? Compassion can look like that figure of wisdom, courage, kindness, and strength that does not back down from a fight even if it might be a difficult one.
We exercise self-compassion by making a choice to put an end to behavioural patterns that no longer serve us (including avoidance), so we can stop getting in our own way.
Self-compassion can also be making a decision to stop wounding yourself or beating yourself up in areas where you already feel vulnerable.
To exercise self-compassion is to be open to acknowledging your thoughts and feelings, and lean into your place of struggle to grow from it, not avoid.
Self-compassion is not lazy, it involves reclaiming responsibility for your growth and well-being, because nobody can give you the life you want more than you can give yourself.
Grounded Goals
The secret to effective change is not in setting grand goals, but grounded goals. Setting grounded goals begins with tuning into your inner world. As you connect with your personal meaning of growth and what makes a good life to you, see if you can notice, understand, and respect the different parts of you that may want different things.
Maybe there is a worried part of you that desires a level of certainty,
Maybe there is a protective part that wants peace for you,
Maybe there is a vulnerable part of you that has been feeling worn and needs rest,
Maybe there is a critical part that needs to be productive and see progress,
Maybe there is a lonely part that would like connection…
Once we shine a light on our inner world and listen to these parts, it will pave the way of forming goals that can honour and harmonise the different needs of these parts, and help build consistency from the inside out.
Some examples of the directions that are guided by listening to the different parts of you may include: more rest without guilt, deeper connection with yourself and close others, predictable routine, decluttering certain activities or relationships that are not aligned with your well-being, engaging in activities that are personally meaningful, firmer boundaries, or easing the pressure from various roles you hold in your life.
You may find that over the course of implementing change, multiple parts could be at odds with each other. For example, if you find yourself struggling with consistency in building a new habit, there may be a clash between the critical part that wants to be productive and achieve more, and the part that is procrastinating. Listening to each part can facilitate a negotiation between parts that could lead to a more supported way forward. You can write down the core feelings, thoughts, or unmet needs of each part that is activated (maybe one part has an underlying fear in approaching this action), to gain clarity on the barriers and find a constructive way forward.
We hope this article can be a reminder that a fresh start does not have to involve grand gestures or big changes. A new start can manifest as an internal shift, where you are more in tune with yourself and have a system that helps with looking after yourself along the way. These can later translate into changes on the external front as you feel more equipped and resourced in your internal world, and may relate to the world outside differently.
In the meantime, let's keep putting one foot in front of the other on this gentle beginning, as we continue our journey of growth and self-discovery. Small steps are still steps.
