Relationship Burnout
February may be a time for more social touchpoints and reunions than usual, with Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day residing in this month. This time of year can bring about an abundance of connection for some of us. It can also be a call for reflection on the relationships we have, as we are reminded of various social contacts over this season of gatherings.
Thinking of our relationships, from people who have stayed, to people who are no longer in our lives, can unravel lots of emotions. It is human to want to connect with others. Equally human, is to carry a fear of getting hurt or rejected that prompts us to disengage in relationships, or stop ourselves from reaching out to people.
Our past can shape the way that we relate to others. Individuals who have been hurt in relationships or experienced abuse may find it difficult to know if a relationship is safe or unsafe. When our boundaries have been repeatedly crossed or disrespected, over time we may feel helpless about trying to assert our boundaries altogether. We may give up on trying to express our needs, thinking our attempts to meet them would be futile anyway. We may talk ourselves into believing our needs are not important. If we have trusted people in the past who did not deserve it, we may make a vow to never let anyone in again.
These are understandable responses to experiencing the pain of loss or hurt in relationships. Opening ourselves up to others can be a vulnerable thing to do, and it is natural to want to guard against people whom we are still unsure about.
While distancing ourselves from people may prevent us from getting hurt, keeping a distance from everyone could also mean that we are closing the door on individuals who might be safe or truly care about us. Denying your need for connection may be safe in the short term, but if connection is something you yearn, abandoning this need for yourself can lead to deeper feelings of loneliness, depression, and declining confidence in the long term that life can be better.
We may miss out on the chance to foster genuine connection, or uncover enriching experiences through shared moments with others. Perhaps instead of avoiding relationships, finding where you can form trusted relationships or a safe person to build a healthy relationship with (romantic or not) is what can make a difference between feeling alone and living a more connected life.
What Healthy Relationships Feel Like
How would we know if we are in a healthy relationship? The list is not exhaustive, but here are a few examples of what we find a healthy relationship can make us feel:
- Safe
- Valued
- Respected
- Supported
- Seen as an equal
- Able to trust the other person not to hurt us
- Comfortable to confide in the person
Even the most loving or well-meaning individuals can hurt us unintentionally in our closest relationships. There could be times where you may still feel unsupported or disrespected in a relationship, however, a healthy relationship is one where while there can still be hurt, there is also a knowing sense that this is not someone who is trying to hurt you. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable to express how their actions have hurt or affected us, but someone who values you would ultimately appreciate the opportunity to find a way to move forward together.
We are all unique individuals bringing with us an individual set of beliefs, needs and desires into our relationships. As such, it would be hard to expect a perfect relationship where individuals fully align and always know how to meet each other’s needs. While we may not guarantee a relationship where no conflicts arise, what we can do is to find safe people whom we can enjoy the good times with, and grow together with in times of differences and disagreements.
Refilling Our Cup in Relationships
If you have been feeling fatigued, depleted, or disconnected in a relationship, there is a possibility there could be underlying needs that may have been left unmet for a prolonged period of time. Do you have a sense of what these needs might be? Is it a need to feel appreciated? A need to feel more supported? Sometimes, it could also be a case of having a lack of boundaries, or loose boundaries in the relationship.
Do you identify with people-pleasing? Do you find it hard to say no to others? During a socially busy time, do you find it hard to decline invitations even when you have been feeling exhausted? It can certainly feel uncomfortable to receive a request and not be able to give the other person an affirmative response right away. While you are trying to keep others happy or satisfied, know that you deserve happiness and care, too.
Refilling our cup can come from pausing to ask ourselves some questions. If you identify with being a people-pleaser, how is being a ‘yes’ person working for you? Instead of ‘yes’, what is an alternative response you could offer? How would it feel to say ‘I will think about it’ before responding? When you say yes to their request, do you notice any physical sensations? Do you feel at ease? Any part of your body that might be reacting in protest? By saying yes to others, are you saying no to you in some way? What do you need at this time? Has there been a need in you that might have been neglected? How might you fulfil this need?
In healthy relationships, boundaries remain equally important to be upheld and could be one of the most honest and loving things we do for someone we care about. It is possible to set boundaries to look after yourself while still being kind in a relationship. This applies to all relationships: friendships, classmates, family relationships, work relationships, romantic relationships. It is not selfish to think about what you need, sometimes it is essential. Nobody can see to meeting your needs better than you can. You are the best advocate for yourself.
Having ensured your ability to fill your own cup, you may feel more resourced in your relationships, and people in relationship with you will get to enjoy this fuller version of who you are, where you can let your personality shine and also show your care with adequate reserves, have a higher threshold for stress, are less likely to be triggered by situational factors and more able to have effective conversations to resolve differences. This can help your relationships flourish.
Conversely, constantly giving without allowing ourselves to fill up our cup can quietly erode our sense of self and breed resentment, hurting the closeness of the relationship over time.
Communicating our boundaries shows respect for ourselves and the other person. No relationship is always smooth sailing, however, a healthy relationship gives us the confidence to communicate our feelings. This is where we can trust that our concerns will be heard, and any raised issues can be explored and worked out together.
This is also an invitation to consider relationships where it has been hard to assert a boundary, or you find that the boundaries you conveyed have not been honoured or taken seriously by the other person. Please know that you also have a right to distance yourself from a situation where you feel disrespected (*where it is safe to do so). You deserve a relationship where you feel comfortable and cared for, by people who prove that trust can be earned with consistency and sincerity in how they show up for you.
If you are someone who truly enjoys being on your own all the time, perhaps this article may not speak to you as much. If, however, you notice you have been isolating yourself more as a protective mechanism, and what you truly yearn for is a genuine connection, we encourage you to explore what it would mean to gradually open the door to others.
What could be ways of reigniting connection on your own terms?
What do you need to feel safe in exploring relationships with others?
How might you look after yourself as you embark on forming or enhancing connection with people around you?
If you think you might be burning out in relationships, speaking with a mental health professional can support you with finding clarity on how to recover and rebuild your relationships, and reconnect with your sense of self. Well done on confronting avoidance and allowing yourself the opportunity to try something different. May you experience a different side of life that can restore hope, connection, and safety in your world.
